I really hate it. You’re the first person in weeks… not even in weeks… you’re the first person who’s really been able to calm me down correctly. Lately I’ve been so overwhelmed… and I cried four times today. All the people I go to just seem to end up stressing me out more. I talked to you on a whim  because we have this strange friendship since last year, and you know what its like…and you remember our talk… idk. I don’t know how you talked me down from that ledge… because, I was actually able to sit down and do work which hasn’t happened in a while. Why are you the only person who can do that? Why do you know what to say? Why do I constantly find myself here? Our conversations don’t feel juvenile, they’re real conversations, the most real that I have on this campus. I value our friendship so much, because its the unexpected… but I’ve toyed with the “what if…” you’re just not there yet… thats the one thing I hate about you… the way you handle yourself when it comes to affairs of the heart. There, that’s your flaw. But I can’t help it. 

I think this spring break has been really good for me, or rather these last two weeks of lent. I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on my religion and reflecting on everything who I am and everything that has happened, which I think led me to my breakdown last Thursday/Friday. I try not to let what happened to me define me, but so often it serves as a problem. I push it down and try not to face it, I convinced myself I was over it and that I am okay now, but clearly I’m not. I think one of the things that makes it cut so deep is that it makes me less for whomever I end up with. I’m scared that I’m ruined. Its not about finding the one, its about preparing yourself to be the one…but I’m not that one. Not anymore. I don’t know if I ever can be and I think that is one of the things I am terrified of because…yeah. I don’t know. I don’t know.